I’ve been overwhelmed with emotions lately.
We have been trying without success to get pregnant for over a year now. With my age, now is the time. I hear the clock ticking and that ticking has only been confirmed by my doc. For the last few months I have been suspicious as to what was going on with my body and why what we were doing wasn’t working. Well after several tests of blood work, HSG, and semen analysis… we still have no answers. We fall into that category of unexplained infertility. Sure my AMH levels are low (.8) but not in the hopeless category and we should still be successful. Our next step is injections and IUI.
With all that said, I still have hope because we have options, but the cost of those options are stressful, outrageous and sickening. No one tells you this when all you want is answers. Of course it’s my duty to ask what insurance will cover and what I will have to pay out of pocket, but unless you’ve been in this situation, you don’t realize what your mind, body and soul will go through. My mind goes blank when I walk in the door. I forget the questions I want to ask and I feel stupid. “I’m not a dumb blonde” I say to the receptionist when she ask me my birthday and I can’t remember.
I can’t focus at work and it’s beginning to show. I can’t multi-task anymore because my brain is shutting down. My anger is out of control, my sadness is unbearable but I still try to hide it. People ask me am I ok, not knowing the situation, and I want to cry. There’s not a day that goes by that it doesn’t cross your mind, not a minute you can stop thinking about it. Some days are better than others… most days I want to run away and ignore all of it….but I can’t.
I know my situation is not as dire as others dealing with infertility, but it doesn’t mean it’s not just as painful. I’m thankful for friends that lend an ear. I’m thankful for organizations out there that provide support and information about infertility and about options. I’m thankful for the doctors that care about me and our situation. I’m thankful that they ask me about my insurance and since it doesn’t cover any of the cost we are incurring, they try to provide us with options that are cost-effective.
But I am MOST thankful for my caring husband that might not quite grasp what an emotional toll this has on me but tries to understand and wants to be there every step of the way.
It’s hard for me to write this without shedding tears, but I feel like I just have to get it off my chest.
With that said and if you’re still reading (thank you for listening)
Here is Milk Fest… it happens every night at my house.
PS: they are laying the foundation this week at the house! One step closer.. .and that, I’m thankful for as well 🙂